im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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