I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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