I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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