wakey wakey hands off snakey
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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