Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize