I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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