Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
