Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
so much tequila, so little girl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
