I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
