would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
