i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
