I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
