did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
