just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Found the puke drawer
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
