Cold hands, warm shart.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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