theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
