You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
