i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
