lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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