i wish there were pregnant emoticons
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize