If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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