i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
