Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
