I heard we made out
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
