I just pynch a tree in the face
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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