I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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