do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
