its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
