my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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