my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize