Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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