Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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