I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
