theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
