fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
