Buhtt sex?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
