so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
