I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
