it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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