just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
