I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
