he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
