Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize