i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
