if i can run in heels then i can drive
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize