is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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