guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize