Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
