I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Drunk is a universal language darling
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
