im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
