Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
