There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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