dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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