Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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