i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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