I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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