now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
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